Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
