No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
