this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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