Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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