I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
