meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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