I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
