theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
