If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
