Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
