so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
