Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
