We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
