I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
