i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
