Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We just shotgunned beers for America
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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