I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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