Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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