Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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