If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
