hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
