Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
