make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
