Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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