I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
