im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
