So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
