How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
