He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
