Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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