dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
