HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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