Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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