i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
