she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I currently don't understand fingers.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
