im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
As shirtless as possible
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
