the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
