Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
