Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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