My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
