If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
