I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dignity is for republicans.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
