No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
