That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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