I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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