You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
