I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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