All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she pinky promised me she was 18
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
