You're a womanizer and a bitch.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
