He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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