I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
