too bad you live with your parents still
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
