I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
