He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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