I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
