Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
